Compound: February 2008

My favorite magazine, The Sun, has a section called "Readers Write" where they give you a topic to write about. The topics are generally a one to two word phrase and you write about what that phrase means to you. The phrase for October is: Finding Out. Immediately I thought of the most shocking thing that I ever found out, which was that I was pregnant. I was angry and scared and nervous and not at all sure how I felt about that, Mark and I had never intended to have children. I was afraid of screwing up something so important, of feeling tied down, of not being able to travel or sleep or enjoy my friends or read a book. I was afraid of being short with my child, getting irritated and snapping at people, being bored, losing the closeness of my marriage, taking advantage of my mother. After Nicky was born I found out the most important thing, none of that even matters anymore. I have been lucky. Nicky has made my life more fun, made my marriage more satisfying, deepened my relationship with my mom and family, enabled me to understand my friends better and even made me a few new friends that I cherish. I understand my duty to my Godson better and want to make certain that I know and appreciate who he is and what he needs and may need in the future. Most of the stuff I thought was important before doesn't really matter to me anymore with the exception of my people. Other than the guilt of not being able to meet my friends at a moments notice when they need or want me and not traveling without mounting a campaign of organization and plans for care of my kid and my dog, my happiest moments are now in the early morning when my husband is home and my kid is in bed with us having a kissing contest - one per parent to be distributed equally and then doubled up on him, those are the rules according to Sir Nicholas. I thought that hearing I was pregnant would be the craziest thing I ever Found Out but I was wrong, finding out how much you can love a child beats it by a mile!
Love alli